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a reminder from a blog – how to BE a true follower of Jesus

24 May

For a few days now, a sense of indignation has been rising inside me. I have been trying to put it aside to no avail. We have been trying trying to get our landlord to give us a price on a piece of land we have been talking to him about, while asking around to get an idea of how much land around here is worth, we got to know that he hasn’t been very nice. We paid more than 500% more than what is usually paid to rent land for grazing and planting. Earlier this year, he told us he had to pull out of the agreement we had for another piece of land that we had already started work on AND the already-paid rented land because he had a ready buyer and we were taking too long to pay him…when we had an agreement that he would wait as we had already paid rent and will be renting again this year. The deal with the ¨new buyer¨fell through. When we started to look for a new place to live, as our finances we getting really low and we realized that he was charging way to high, he let us stay for free these 3 months, just get our own water and pay the electricity bill. We thought that it was out of the goodness of his heart but we soon realized that we not only have paid for rent all the way to August for land we could not do anything with, but negotiating for rent this year and doing some research, asking around woke us up. We were still willing to buy land, albeit at a smaller and different location and no farming ground, from him to help him out but he quoted many times higher because of ´the view´ although there was no electricity, water nor proper roads up to it. It does have a really pretty view and he did say he would take a small payment and wait for the rest when we sold our stuff but things seem to be spiraling out-of-control. What would happen if we paid the deposit and started work and he changed his mind when a buyer comes along? I prefer not to deal with him but my fiancee is a very patient man. Today, I got almost angry when my fiancee told me he had said that we wont find any other place with a good price like he is offering; also, we had been scouting around other towns for land and the prices quoted are unbelievable. The reason for this? The Americans are willing to pay the prices they quote. One was charging 140,000 for a hectare and then came down to the truck price in only a few minutes as he really liked it and another wanted 80,000 for less than half a hectare (there were Americans living nearby) and another by the highway, wanted half a million! And they say city people are money-hungry! *sigh…im letting it go as i write. We have been praying for the Lord to show us where He wants us to be..if He wants us to stay here and continue our work here or be somewhere else. I am confident that the Lord will guide us.

When I got home, I was reading the Welcome page of Christian Blessings and this was there:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay”, says the Lord. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12:9-19,21.

The whole thing kinda soothed me and made me remember what I must do, how Im suppose to be but that last sentence really got me. I had told my fiancee I don’t want to deal with the landlord again because he is so arrogant in saying that we will not find a better deal anywhere else and that we´ll be back asking about the land again. I am the arrogant one. If we are suppose to be here and deal with him, so be it. Forgive me my Lord. Thank you for your reminder. Thank you for all the lessons and blessings. Protect us O Lord. Help me, guide me to be one of Your righteous ones Lord. Amen.

me

12 May

I am a new believer of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I believe that He was sent by God our Father to earth, as a human being, to save us from sin and death. Jesus Christ, our Lord is the light of mankind. With His sacrifice, His lashes, His crucification and His death, He took all our sins and death with Him and with His resurrection, we are born again! We have our advocate with God our Father. We have life. We have eternity. Jesus Christ is our Lord and mighty Saviour! Love abounds!

I was a former believer of Islam. As one, I felt alone and restless a lot. I was taught to and did pray as time permits, with school, work etc. It felt like a regime and my heart was not in it. I tried to ask elders and friends about it but i felt unanswered. I understood there was a God that judged all our acts, who could be merciful but I was not sure if God was with me, hearing me. I felt that God was far away. There was only the cycle of everyday life and people to deal with. My parents worked very hard and we were usually at a babysitter`s house. I think we were sent to more than 5 different ones in as many years. One of them molested me for about a year until I had the courage to say I was big enough to take care of my brothers on my own. My father married another lady and life became increasingly unpleasant, confusing and sad. I was sent to the Islamic equivalent of Sunday school for awhile then taken out. For many years, life was school and conflicts at home and between my mum and dad´s family. I never had many friends and became increasingly quiet. I found solace only in story books and music. I realized that I was inadequate with people then. Most people made me uncomfortable. The only people i talked to was a close girlfriend, my father and my grandmother. When my father died suddenly, I felt completely lost and alone. I retreated inside and into my books and routine, still, I wanted to die. I went through my days like a zombie, then nights reading almost waiting for the door to open and for my dad to walk in. After a while, with the help of my grandma and life which kept on going, I thought I was me again. But I felt like there was a big gaping hole in me. I tried to pray more, I joined a religious organization, specifically for beginners and went to classes. I learn some things that helped me a little but the hole was still there and I saw different kind of people that made me back out slowly and leave the place. Years went by and I retreated deeper and deeper inside myself pretending I was fine. I began to question a lot of things like why we were praying in a language I did not understand, how come God didn’t want us to just pray and talk to him in the language i knew, why cnt we eat pork when God made those too, whats wrong with dogs, why is drink forbidden, why I feel so alone. I felt God wasn’t listening, I felt that people were just following things blindly. As time went by, I made decisions that changed my life and regrets multiplied. I tried to cast them aside and keep on moving but I was getting so tired inside. What was the point in all this? No one seemed to see me. I did not think God was listening, maybe cos of all the things I had done. The only time when I felt my family getting close together with me was when i was getting married. The family I had came into was a good one, a big and close one. I tried so hard to assimilate but I always felt like I did not belong. Other problems arose and I was retreating further inside. I kept trying to be better with my ex then, my health, work and my insides went haywire and finally went bust. I loved my ex-mum and dad in law a lot so i tried and tried. Every time there was a family gathering I was fighting inside, especially when it was a religious one. Not only did i not know how to read the quern at the level they were all in, I did not want to. Always, even with so many people around, i felt alone. I spoke to family members, to friends and most of them told me that life is a test and we have to persevere. To what? Even heaven sounded like it was more for men than women. One actually told me to look at my mum’s life. I was horrified. I was terrified of becoming her. She had been unhappy for as long as i can remember. I felt confused, bad and exhausted. Again, I started to stay away from people. I started to read about Buddhism and so-called spiritual books to find a bit of peace, I read about Hinduism and life from different perspectives, I was chastised for reading and having ‘weird’ books in my house. At this time, I was really into the internet. Then, suddenly I couldn’t be there any more, was offered something I hoped for and left the country. Here, i feel calm which is amazing and after awhile, energized. it was beautiful to be calm.

I fully believe that I was saved by our Lord Jesus Christ when He led me here. It was a miracle and a wondrous thing that I am here. I had never even taught about visiting , let alone living here. It was not in my list of places to visit. For some reason, I felt like I had come home. With the calm, life went on and I learnt something everyday. After knowing my fiancee a while, he began to tell me about the Lord. Slowly but surely, I saw things, people, life a different way. I saw God a different way. I began to want to learn more and then we read the bible, and everything made sense. There is no confusion, everything is in order and it is amazing to see how things enfold historically and even now. I began to be more open inside and I began to love God, our Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

It is so comforting not only to believe but really know that God loves us. From the very beginning to the very end. His awesome Love and Grace is manifested in Jesus Christ, for us. And God, is not just God, He is Abba our Father.

All glory to our Father, I am so very grateful. Thank you for bringing me here, for saving me. I love you Jesus! And Holy Spirit, thank you for being there guiding me always and everyday. I pray that I always walk in the light, that I be a good person walking in Your way doing Your will always. In Jesus name, Amen!

fear vs hope

12 May

i was so afraid but its slowly abating. is it really fear? i was afraid of what would happen to my family if they knew i am a born again christian. a believer, with lots of love for Jesus, who wants to be even more in love, who wants to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to always walk in the light, in righteousness and grace that i am blessed with. a seeker of the Lord and His will. is it a fear of being ostracized? not really, its fear that i ll hurt them, which is weird. i think its remnants of the old me.

when you love Jesus and learn more and more about Him and His word, all fear will disappear.

i have hope and pray for them every day. and for the Holy Ghost to come into my life, into me. there has been many instances when i know the Lord is with me, watching, protecting me. blessing me. i learn every single day. it is amazing. i have felt noted differences as to how i feel about things and people, what i want and like, how i see things and people. i know now that He really is watching and listening, and He loves me, us. that is so very beautiful.

yesterday, i found blogs and comments from people in Singapore who are like me. it was amazing. i was so very happy. i AM so happy, encouraged.

Thank you Lord. Blessed be your name.

a lil each day

12 May

SARK said: The tiniest story in your life can deeply touch another. you cannot know the effect your story might have – show up and serve, allow the anger and the jealousy, celebrate the mysteries, feelings change, dance on the edge of new beginnings.

These are stories of me. Things i see, what i think of, do, dream, pray for, fears, things i read. I dont know if anyone will read any of it, let alone touch anyone but May it empty all the bad and keep the good, help me be a better person and bring me closer to the Lord. Dancing on the edge of new beginnings sounds wonderful :)

I have been listening to the Bible being read out-loud. Sometimes reading, sometimes asking questions, mainly listening. It is amazing the stories, the language, the people in it, the archaeological findings that coincide with them and the mercy, majesty, humor, ever-presentness and love of God. I think my favourite so far is the book of Samuel. I really like how David is kinda child-like and his giving himself to the Lord is so very beautiful. There are no running arounds in the mind or heart, just straight surrender, then questions and answers are given. I so wish I could be like that but im still running around inside. Sometimes it seems like im standing with arms up like that day in the field, while listening to the song, i surrender and just feel, yet mostly i ask too much and like many of my everyday conversations and questions: ‘i’d like spaghetti…no wait pizza is nice too.’ sometimes i feel like smacking myself while i talk/pray to the lord. I ask quietly inside, talking to the lord inside myself. sometimes i wonder if thats even ok or if it’ll be better if i pray out loud….which sometimes i do. always, i ask for patience and forgiveness…and to walk in the light. Sometimes i want to immerse myself in the studies, sometimes i yearn for the regular stuff at intervals: movies, ‘regular’ music, going out. I know whats better for me, its just i feel tired sometimes, especially with emphasis that im suppose to feel something when the Lord blesses me with his spirit. its depressing at first that there isnt anything and i was getting tired inside, for yet again, silence. then i realise He is showing me the slow immersion and i need to change many, many things inside so i try to let go of a little every day.

writing to…

12 May

im writing here to put together all things that matter to me. of my world, the world i see today, and the worlds im learning about, of the Lord God my savior, of all His blessings and teachings and things to come as i learn. i write about things i cannot talk about to so very many people i care about, hoping this reaches them some how and at least makes them think and look, seek. i write about things i like and dont like, things i think about, things i see, things i feel.